Lucia Lloyd’s sermon: God loves you. Love God. Love your neighbor.
Fifth Sunday of Easter, Year C
May 19, 2019
John 13:31-35
“This is my commandment: that you love one another. Just as I have loved you, you also should love one another.” If I had to sum up the gospel in eight words it would be this: “God loves you. Love God. Love your neighbor.” And when we hear scriptures and sermons about how wonderful love is, we agree. When we hear scriptures and sermons about how important love is, we agree. When we hear scriptures and sermons about how love is what God wants for all of us, we agree. We listen to those sermons and we nod our heads, or if we happen to be a bit more reserved, we nod our hearts. We think about how wonderful love is and we are filled with love and good will toward all humanity, and that glow lasts right up until some annoying person comes along and makes some remark that pops the love bubble.
Jesus gives us one simple instruction, love one another, and why do we have so much trouble keeping it? Because of other people who are so annoying. So as we try again with the love one another stuff, we can use all the help we can get.
I was surprised to find some good help available in a book called The Anatomy of Peace. It and its companion book Leadership and Self-Deception, both of which are published by the Arbinger Institute, are aimed mostly at businesspeople who want to increase their effectiveness at work. But it provides a useful angle from which to look at human interactions and human relationships, as well as some useful language to describe them. The books are non-fiction, but they use a clever technique of setting up characters who are learning about these principles, and have resistance to the ideas as well as insights into how they can be applied. We’ll spend a little time looking at relationships from the perspective these books present, and then go deeper with today’s gospel passage.
The books begin with the observation that there are two “ways of being”: one in which we regard others as people with hopes, needs, cares, and fears which are as real to us as our own, and the other way of being, in which we view other people as objects, vehicles, or even irrelevancies. To use the words of Martin Buber, in each situation, we are interacting either in an “I-it” way or in an “I-thou” way. And you can feel the difference between the people who treat you as a person and the people who treat you as an object. You respond to people based on their way of being with you, whether their way of being with you is to see you as a person or as an object, because their way of being toward you has a far greater effect than any specific behavior. Even a child can feel your way of being toward her. For example, two parents can use the exact same words to their child, but the parent whose way of being is to see their child as an object has a very different effect than the parent whose way of being is to see their child as a person.
The book goes on to observe that when we start seeing others as objects, we begin provoking in them the very things we say we hate. It provides a “collusion diagram” and a story to illustrate it. The wife insists that her husband mow and edge the lawn (as he promised) even though it’s late, so she complains and badgers. That’s one corner of the box. The husband sees her as demanding and unreasonable, as a nag. In other words, he starts to see her as an obstacle, an object. That’s another corner of the box. The husband protests, then does what she asks but angrily, with an attitude. The third corner of the box. His wife, in turn, sees him as self-centered, inconsiderate, immature. The fourth corner of the box. That makes her even more likely to complain and badger him, which will make him more likely to see her as demanding and unreasonable, and they’ll keep going round and round, each of them provoking in the other the very things they’re complaining about. This is what they call “being in the box”. It becomes a collusion, a conflict where the parties are inviting the very things they’re fighting against. It can happen between parents and kids, or between one spouse or partner and the other, or between coworkers who are competing or between countries whose hostility is escalating.
It even spreads because each of us begins to gather allies as a way of feeling justified in our own accusing views of others.
The way to shrink the problem rather than escalate it, is to change our way of being. Even if we’re right. For example, a parent might yell at his kids about the importance of chores and be entirely correct about their importance, but will he invite the help and cooperation he is wanting from them if his heart is at war in his yelling?
The question the book asks the main character is the one it asks all of us. It is the central question of the book: In your conflicts with others, even if you are convinced you have been right in the positions you’ve taken, can you say with confidence that you have also been right in your way of being toward them? Can you say that you have been seeing them as people rather than as objects in your disagreements, and that your heart has therefore been at peace rather than at war toward them?”
It is an excellent question. The book goes on to describe the various ways we can get into the box, and the ways we tend to stay in the box. It includes the fact that if we feel an impulse to show compassion to a person and choose not to, we immediately and automatically start generating feelings that justify our behavior, as we start to see the other person in a more and more negative way, and see ourselves as more and more virtuous or deserving. Sometimes we even end up seeing ourselves in a victim or martyr role. What gets us into the box to begin with, is when we violate our own sense of the right way to act in a particular moment; it is an act of self-betrayal. They are very common. For example, we don’t always apologize when we know we should. When a family member or neighbor is struggling with something we could help with, we don’t always offer that help; sometimes we just ignore the situation. But after the act of self-betrayal, we tend to see the other person more negatively than we did before, in an unconscious attempt to justify our behavior. Because the worse the other person is, the more justified I feel. We begin finding ways in which the other person is inferior and we are superior. But the contempt we feel for the other person ends up poisoning us. It leads us to bitterness, anger, and depression.
The good news is that we can get out of the box. And in many ways we already are. On any given day, we will have some people with whom we are in the box, some people we see as objects and have relationships that are fraught with various bad feelings. On any given day, there will also be other people with whom we are out of the box, some people we see as people and have relationships that evoke various good feelings. “That is why we can recognize we are in the box to begin with. When we are noticing we are in the box, it is because we are noticing that we aren’t feeling and seeing in one direction like we are in another. We are able to recognize the difference because the difference is within us. Which is to say that we have out-of-the-box places within us—relationships and memories that are not twisted and distorted by blame and self-justification.”
The book gives four steps for getting out of the box.
Step 1. Look for signs of the box (blame, justification, horribilization, etc.)
Step 2. Find an out-of-the-box place (out of the box relationships, memories, activities, places, etc.)
So far I’ve been talking a lot about this book, The Anatomy of Peace, but it has been in preparation for getting to this theological point. As we struggle to get out of our box in negative relationships, the good news of the gospel is that God provides for us the ideal out of the box relationship: the relationship Jesus has with us. When we’re in a snit about something it’s easy to get all puffed up about how we’re so superior and virtuous and everybody else ought to treat us with more respect because we’ve earned it and blah, blah, blah, and they don’t deserve to be forgiven and blah, blah, blah. And then we see the way Jesus extends compassion to those who least deserve it, the way Jesus forgives no matter what, the way Jesus sees each person as a person and loves them, and loves us. We see why Jesus’ two statements go together. “Just as I have loved you, you also should love one another.” Here is what I hope you will remember: if we sometimes fail to live up to the kind of love that Jesus showed, then maybe that realization can prompt us to be a bit less judgmental toward others when they fail to live up to the kind of love that Jesus showed.
Step 3 is ponder the situation anew from the out-of-the-box perspective.
Step 4 is act upon what I have discovered; do what I am feeling I should do.
As the book sums it up: “This, then, is how peace can be recovered inwardly, even when we are surrounded by war. We stay on the lookout for signs of the box. We then find an out-of-the-box place from where we can ponder the situation with more clarity. And then we begin to consider others’ burdens instead of just our own. In the course of this, we’ll typically see things that we haven’t seen before and feel moved, therefore, to take certain new actions. In the moment we recover this sense or desire to help, we have found our way out of the box.”
This is what Jesus does throughout his ministry, as the Pharisees with their in-the-box mentality want to condemn people, and Jesus works to help them. It is what Jesus does throughout his parables, as the older brother with his in-the-box-mentality wants to condemn the prodigal son, and the father wants to welcome him with a feast. It is what Jesus is doing in our gospel passage today, which occurs at the Last Supper, after Judas has gone out. Judas, with his in-the-box way of being that leads him to the betrayal of Jesus and to his own betrayal, sets in motion the events that lead to Jesus’ crucifixion, and still Jesus loves him. So perhaps we can have compassion for our brothers and sisters as they struggle. When we realize we’ve been in the box, and we want to get out, that is, in many ways, the start of confession and repentance, and can lead to amendment of life. It leads us to take our eyes off their sins, so that we can see our own, including whatever blaming and condemning we’ve been busy with. It enables us to turn back toward peace and love. It enables us to participate again in that circle of love.
God loves you. Love God. Love your neighbor.
Jesus gives us one simple instruction, love one another, and why do we have so much trouble keeping it? Because of other people who are so annoying. So as we try again with the love one another stuff, we can use all the help we can get.
I was surprised to find some good help available in a book called The Anatomy of Peace. It and its companion book Leadership and Self-Deception, both of which are published by the Arbinger Institute, are aimed mostly at businesspeople who want to increase their effectiveness at work. But it provides a useful angle from which to look at human interactions and human relationships, as well as some useful language to describe them. The books are non-fiction, but they use a clever technique of setting up characters who are learning about these principles, and have resistance to the ideas as well as insights into how they can be applied. We’ll spend a little time looking at relationships from the perspective these books present, and then go deeper with today’s gospel passage.
The books begin with the observation that there are two “ways of being”: one in which we regard others as people with hopes, needs, cares, and fears which are as real to us as our own, and the other way of being, in which we view other people as objects, vehicles, or even irrelevancies. To use the words of Martin Buber, in each situation, we are interacting either in an “I-it” way or in an “I-thou” way. And you can feel the difference between the people who treat you as a person and the people who treat you as an object. You respond to people based on their way of being with you, whether their way of being with you is to see you as a person or as an object, because their way of being toward you has a far greater effect than any specific behavior. Even a child can feel your way of being toward her. For example, two parents can use the exact same words to their child, but the parent whose way of being is to see their child as an object has a very different effect than the parent whose way of being is to see their child as a person.
The book goes on to observe that when we start seeing others as objects, we begin provoking in them the very things we say we hate. It provides a “collusion diagram” and a story to illustrate it. The wife insists that her husband mow and edge the lawn (as he promised) even though it’s late, so she complains and badgers. That’s one corner of the box. The husband sees her as demanding and unreasonable, as a nag. In other words, he starts to see her as an obstacle, an object. That’s another corner of the box. The husband protests, then does what she asks but angrily, with an attitude. The third corner of the box. His wife, in turn, sees him as self-centered, inconsiderate, immature. The fourth corner of the box. That makes her even more likely to complain and badger him, which will make him more likely to see her as demanding and unreasonable, and they’ll keep going round and round, each of them provoking in the other the very things they’re complaining about. This is what they call “being in the box”. It becomes a collusion, a conflict where the parties are inviting the very things they’re fighting against. It can happen between parents and kids, or between one spouse or partner and the other, or between coworkers who are competing or between countries whose hostility is escalating.
It even spreads because each of us begins to gather allies as a way of feeling justified in our own accusing views of others.
The way to shrink the problem rather than escalate it, is to change our way of being. Even if we’re right. For example, a parent might yell at his kids about the importance of chores and be entirely correct about their importance, but will he invite the help and cooperation he is wanting from them if his heart is at war in his yelling?
The question the book asks the main character is the one it asks all of us. It is the central question of the book: In your conflicts with others, even if you are convinced you have been right in the positions you’ve taken, can you say with confidence that you have also been right in your way of being toward them? Can you say that you have been seeing them as people rather than as objects in your disagreements, and that your heart has therefore been at peace rather than at war toward them?”
It is an excellent question. The book goes on to describe the various ways we can get into the box, and the ways we tend to stay in the box. It includes the fact that if we feel an impulse to show compassion to a person and choose not to, we immediately and automatically start generating feelings that justify our behavior, as we start to see the other person in a more and more negative way, and see ourselves as more and more virtuous or deserving. Sometimes we even end up seeing ourselves in a victim or martyr role. What gets us into the box to begin with, is when we violate our own sense of the right way to act in a particular moment; it is an act of self-betrayal. They are very common. For example, we don’t always apologize when we know we should. When a family member or neighbor is struggling with something we could help with, we don’t always offer that help; sometimes we just ignore the situation. But after the act of self-betrayal, we tend to see the other person more negatively than we did before, in an unconscious attempt to justify our behavior. Because the worse the other person is, the more justified I feel. We begin finding ways in which the other person is inferior and we are superior. But the contempt we feel for the other person ends up poisoning us. It leads us to bitterness, anger, and depression.
The good news is that we can get out of the box. And in many ways we already are. On any given day, we will have some people with whom we are in the box, some people we see as objects and have relationships that are fraught with various bad feelings. On any given day, there will also be other people with whom we are out of the box, some people we see as people and have relationships that evoke various good feelings. “That is why we can recognize we are in the box to begin with. When we are noticing we are in the box, it is because we are noticing that we aren’t feeling and seeing in one direction like we are in another. We are able to recognize the difference because the difference is within us. Which is to say that we have out-of-the-box places within us—relationships and memories that are not twisted and distorted by blame and self-justification.”
The book gives four steps for getting out of the box.
Step 1. Look for signs of the box (blame, justification, horribilization, etc.)
Step 2. Find an out-of-the-box place (out of the box relationships, memories, activities, places, etc.)
So far I’ve been talking a lot about this book, The Anatomy of Peace, but it has been in preparation for getting to this theological point. As we struggle to get out of our box in negative relationships, the good news of the gospel is that God provides for us the ideal out of the box relationship: the relationship Jesus has with us. When we’re in a snit about something it’s easy to get all puffed up about how we’re so superior and virtuous and everybody else ought to treat us with more respect because we’ve earned it and blah, blah, blah, and they don’t deserve to be forgiven and blah, blah, blah. And then we see the way Jesus extends compassion to those who least deserve it, the way Jesus forgives no matter what, the way Jesus sees each person as a person and loves them, and loves us. We see why Jesus’ two statements go together. “Just as I have loved you, you also should love one another.” Here is what I hope you will remember: if we sometimes fail to live up to the kind of love that Jesus showed, then maybe that realization can prompt us to be a bit less judgmental toward others when they fail to live up to the kind of love that Jesus showed.
Step 3 is ponder the situation anew from the out-of-the-box perspective.
Step 4 is act upon what I have discovered; do what I am feeling I should do.
As the book sums it up: “This, then, is how peace can be recovered inwardly, even when we are surrounded by war. We stay on the lookout for signs of the box. We then find an out-of-the-box place from where we can ponder the situation with more clarity. And then we begin to consider others’ burdens instead of just our own. In the course of this, we’ll typically see things that we haven’t seen before and feel moved, therefore, to take certain new actions. In the moment we recover this sense or desire to help, we have found our way out of the box.”
This is what Jesus does throughout his ministry, as the Pharisees with their in-the-box mentality want to condemn people, and Jesus works to help them. It is what Jesus does throughout his parables, as the older brother with his in-the-box-mentality wants to condemn the prodigal son, and the father wants to welcome him with a feast. It is what Jesus is doing in our gospel passage today, which occurs at the Last Supper, after Judas has gone out. Judas, with his in-the-box way of being that leads him to the betrayal of Jesus and to his own betrayal, sets in motion the events that lead to Jesus’ crucifixion, and still Jesus loves him. So perhaps we can have compassion for our brothers and sisters as they struggle. When we realize we’ve been in the box, and we want to get out, that is, in many ways, the start of confession and repentance, and can lead to amendment of life. It leads us to take our eyes off their sins, so that we can see our own, including whatever blaming and condemning we’ve been busy with. It enables us to turn back toward peace and love. It enables us to participate again in that circle of love.
God loves you. Love God. Love your neighbor.
